I was going to write this before I had my operation on the 3rd November 2015. It was going to be about how hard my year had been, about how non-understanding people had been of me. About how tired and bitter I had become, but to be quite honest, I couldn't  face writing all that, I don't think there was any need to either. 

I've waited, hoping my thoughts would organise themselves and inspiration arrive to help me explain how I have felt this year  about my pain & hips. I think now, 7 weeks later , it has. so I'll start writing and see how it goes. 

Before, and between my ops , People see me walking about, driving, working, riding my horse, and think I am ok. What they don’t see is the chronic pain I have suffered for 8 years, in my back and my hips. They don’t see my pain score.  If  I wore it on my head as a  bright flashing light, then for the last 8 years, 70% of the time it would have said between 6 & 8 out of 10.  Which is pretty high. It’s the score where, if you are in hospital and they ask you to score your pain out of 10. 1 being no pain at all, 10 being the worst pain you’ve ever had. If you say 6,7,8, they will give you something like codeine or even morphine. Yet there I was, walking round with a pain score of 6-8, carrying out my life like a “normal person” Yet it wasn’t normal. Nothing about life in chronic pain is normal. I say I had those high scores "only" 70% of the time. That is because in the last two years, since I had my right hip fixed,  I have had some good days, some really good days, 30% of the last 2 years has been good. Which makes for some desperately needed relief from being 100% in the pain scores of 6-8.

Over the last few years, I have worked, I have driven, I have ridden my horse, I have done the garden, I have done the decorating, I have done the house work, the list goes on. I have done the things that normal people do. But it has hurt, every step of the way. My husband said something to me last week. He said that if I hadn’t have found out what was wrong with my hips, I could quite easily be disabled by now, unable to work. 

It really brought home to me that that was the truth. He'd never said it before, perhaps knowing that I thought it myself. But perhaps saying it earlier would have made it a reality. It was the truth, that's really how desperate things were. I can remember about 4 years ago, when I didn’t know all of this hip and back pain was due to my hips. I actually thought that I would end up in a wheel chair by the time I am 40. That is what I was truly coming to terms with in my head. It seemed no one could help me. No spinal doctors, back injections, pain clinics, chiropractors or osteopaths could solve this for me, I was accepting that I was just one of the people that had back pain. I just had to get on with it. I wonder if doctors know what goes on in someone's head when they basically say, "youre with  a high percentage of the adult population that has back pain. Live with it."  Like its normal to be in that much pain and "live with it". 

So I decided I would do all I could between now and the time I could no longer, despite the pain. So I rode my horse, in pain. I lived my life, in pain. Because what was the alternative? Sit around being miserable; mourning for things I thought I could no longer do? I decided I would haul myself through each day, and haul myself into the saddle and ride, for as long as pain would allow me too.  I decided I’d need to do all I could do to help my body through it, and thought I would benefit from some regular massage. So I went to a massage lady at our local gym. It was nice, very relaxing. But I think my tight muscles freaked her out.  She said she thought I could do with sport physio, and that another customer had been to one near Bristol. “Blue” something, she couldn’t remember the name. So I came home and Googled it. And that is how I  found Bluesky sports physio, and a wonderful lady called Donna who said she thought a lot of my  pain was actually due to impingement in my hips.

 And there have we come full circle. The story from that point on is in this blog. And I sit here now, on the 23^rd December 2015 with two hips which have matching 12inch scars from where they have been  opened up, dislocated, reshaped, and stuck back together with metal anchors and 3 screws each.....

....And I have hope at last. I have hope that the years to come will not be full of chronic pain. That my average pain score will not be 6,7,or 8. That I will be able to work, drive, ride my horse, do the garden and just live without the millstone of pain and depression around my neck.

 I even have new plans. I plan to walk up a mountain in aid of a Cerebral Palsy charity that helps my nephew.  My wonderful nephew. He is 12. He has cerebral palsy. He cannot walk, talk or feed himself and yet his smile and personality light up the room when he is there. He is determined through everything he does to make the most of what life has given him. He is my inspiration, and I can only dream of  being as strong and confident as him. I don’t know what the future is for my hips. Maybe I will get better from this recent surgery and never think about them again. Maybe the pain will return in months or years time and I will need hip replacements. Then again, maybe I won’t. But I have made a promise to myself, to make the most of what I have, and do as much as I can, whilst I still can.